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Comments for 'The saviours of man Part 1' |
Sarge
10:01 pm | July 25, 2002
but he put an MAB5 Assault Rifle. It shoudl be A MAB5 Assault Rifle or just plain MAB5 assault rifle now do you understand?
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Arch
5:06 pm | July 25, 2002
Sarge, nobody's perfect. And besides, do you say 'a MA5B Assault Rifle', or 'an MA5B assault rifle'. The second comes more naturally.
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Sarge
4:15 am | July 24, 2002
Wow that format is way off sry fo rany confusion.
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Sarge
4:08 am | July 24, 2002
Okay here’s my cross-examination of your story.First off you spelled Master Chief wrong a million times you kept putting Master Cheif. As Master cheif Stared (Why is stared capitalized) out the longsword window looking into the endless blackness of space, Cortana was busy going threw the files she stole from the Forerunner Cammand (Spelled wrong it should be Command) structure.She noticed a map file. She then took a closer look at it.(Try this… She noticed a map file and took a closer look at it.)It showed 4(This should be four) rings Each(Why is this capitalized) with writing on top, "Intallation(Is this suppose to be intallation or installation) 001... Installation004". She showed this Master Cheif this. (Is this a sentence? Try this… It showed 4 rings each with writing on top “Installation 001… Installation004”, she showed it to the Master Chief.)He replied(comma) "I can almost garentee(Spelled wrong guarantee) that the monitor will be around one of those." "Lets go to installation 2 and try to destroy it." Cortana replied " way ahead of you.”(Whenever someone new speaks you need to start a new paragraph.)They drifted in space for weeks upon weeks until one day Cortana woke the mastercheif(Should be Master Chief) up "sir were within scanning range(Period)" (New paragraph)"Ok, scan it for any lifeforms(Period)" Cortana had already started before he finished. By now Cortana and Master Cheif (Chief) could almost read each others minds Cortana had been such a great help on installation 004 with battle tactics that he couldnt (Spelled wrong its Couldn’t the contraction for could not) imagine battling without her. "Master Chief (Chief) I'm detecting a human lifeform and many other ones that are unidentified but have a human like structure. I'm also detecting Multiple Flood forces in other parts of the ring. (Where’s the other punctuation mark?) (Start a new paragraph) "Take me about 500 ft(Should be a period after each abbreviation) away from where the human is, I dont(It should be don’t the contraction for do not) want any surprises." (One thing if you want to be a good writer you have to learn to write like the people would talk. Like usually Cortana would call him Chief not Master Chief, small things like that make a difference in your story. I have to be able to say yeah I could see them saying that.)Cortana entered the coridances(Spelled wrong should be coordinates ) and the ship sped of. Sir(Sir when did Cortana ever call John sir?) we're about to enter the ring(Should be ring’s it’s the atmosphere belonging to the ring) atmosphere in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The ship shook, Master Chief(Chief, and it should be the Master Chief because that’s just his rank) could see the flames on the windows.(Try making this one sentence like this… The ship shook the Master Chief could see the flames on the windows, so he than ran to the weapons locker) He then ran to the weapons locker. In it he saw an (It should be a MA6B it’s only an if the next word starts with a vowel a if it starts with a consonant.) MA6B assault rifle an (Same thing) M9D Pistol and plenty of grenades and ammo to last him awhile. But (Never start a sentence with but if you start it with but it can probably be combined with another sentence.) he also notice (Noticed) a crate in the bottom corner. He shot the lock with his pistol and ripped the lock off.Inside he found a long sleek looking weapon with a display. It looked like an experimental sniper. (Sniper rifle just sniper would be a person). He picked it up and found 10(Should be ten) clips under it. He inserted one and strapped it on along with the assault rifle. He put the pistol at his side. (those last three sentences could be different watch). He picked it up and found ten clips under it, he inserted one and strapped the sniper rifle on himself along with his assault rifle."Master chief(Chief), We're about to land, there a(Why is there an a there?) appears to be a Large(Why is large capitalized?) structure like one of the ones we saw back on installation 004." (Your missing a speech mark). Thanks Cortana and he uploads her into his helmet.(Bad sentence) "Nice to be back again sir(SIR?)" Cortana said as she got used to the new body. As the ship lands on autopilot, Master chief(Chief) jumps out of the longsword. He then creeps trough (through) the long grass. "Master chief (Chief) im(I’m I+am) detecting movement"( This is a fragment sentence). "I see Cortana(Comma)" The Master chief(Chief) laid in the grass an observed the movement around him.The ways the dots were moving reminded him of one of the many strategies that he and his Spartan (Spartan) II friends performed at the military camps on the unlucky marines. Five snipers would surround the victim standing 50ft away and snipe there (Their there would be referring to a place.) hearts (hearts) out. But (DO NOT start sentence with but) that would usually happen instantly (instantly) this seemed different he pulled out his newly aquired(acquired) rife(rifle and) turned on the display. I (should be it) was the same setup as the sniper (sniper rifle or rifle for short) he used to use but easier to read and longer zoom range. He zoomed in on a place where there had recently been movement. The rifle screen showed a silver body with an older type sniper rifle. He zoomed closer 10x the rifle ended up stopping at 15x a major improvement than the last one. The (The what?) stopped and pulled out a radio. Then a voice was heard over his com system "John is that you?" It sounded like Kelly, one of his old Spartan friends. She was the fastest of the Spartan II army. He replied (Should start a new paragraph). "Kelly it's been awhile!" He stood up and took a look behind him. Three others were coming along as soon as they heard the transmission. Phew lots of mistakes but keep writing to improve please e-mail me and let me review your next chapter before you post it. It needs a lot of work spelling and grammar and punctuation please let me proof read it for you. Or even better proof read it yourself I’m assuming since this was your first piece you were excited and rushed it a little, just slow down a bit. I worked about forty-five minutes on this hope it helped.
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