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Comments for 'Prospect Hill: Part 1' |
my head is gone
8:56 pm | May 24, 2004
my first ever fanfic that is. im a clarification freak
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my head is gone
8:54 pm | May 24, 2004
OK so i wrote a cheesy fanfic. Should i write part 2? Give me some tips and ill do better. By the way this was my first one.
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Helljumper
9:43 pm | May 21, 2004
Yea its pretty bad, reminds me of reading a comic book.
ODST
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Solidus Snake
10:33 pm | May 20, 2004
I agree with everyone else, this was corny.
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Nick Kang
5:18 pm | May 20, 2004
And never incorporate sound effects into text. The story sounds even worse if you do. It will a do a lot better to describe the sounds. Also try adding more detail.
EXAMPLE: BAD
The Banshee flew over head and Private Jackson fired a rocket at it. BOOM! The destroyed Banshee crashed to the ground.
EXAMPLE: GOOD
The Banshee flew overhead, leaving trails of sliced air in it's wake. Private Jackson kept his eye trained on the purple craft and raised the SPNKr rocket launcher. Depressing the firing tab, Jackson felt the recoil of the weapon and watched as a smoking projectile shot towards the craft, leaving a trail of fire behind it. Within the blink of an eye, the Banshee disappeared behind the curtain of fire with an earsplitting explosion that drowned out the surrounding sounds of gunfire. The lifeless, gutted Banshee drifted to the ground where it impacted with a sickening thud.
--------------------------------------------
But don't steal the curtain of fire thing. That's my trademark.
NK
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Nick Kang
5:15 pm | May 20, 2004
I second that, Severian!
NK
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CoLd BlooDed
3:14 am | May 20, 2004
Nice, Severian, nice. :P
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CoLd BlooDed
3:14 am | May 20, 2004
But I agree with him. The use of the code was pathetic, your dialogue was really cheesy, and the story just didn't capture me. I'd give it something like a four out of ten, but I don't give ratings.
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SeverianofUrth
9:34 pm | May 19, 2004
I hate to say this, but I didn't like it. 5/10
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