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Comments for 'Halo2: The Covenant Wars [part 2]' |
JJiggssaw
11:17 am | March 29, 2004
*JJiggssaw
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JJiggsaw
11:13 am | March 29, 2004
Not bad, though I have to agree with Flu. I also would like to point out a bit your overusage of commas, but like I said pretty good. I read the next chapter.
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Flu
3:13 am | March 24, 2004
Never said you were a nOOb. Sorry if you got that impression from my post. I was just building on your comment, "We have to get started sometime." No offense, but your story does need some work.
Anyway, I'm fairly recent...posted two stories under "probably no choice" starting on Feb. 25th. I'll put up a poem next posting.
Anyway, I try real hard to give as much constructive advice as I can. Some people like it, some don't. Cest' la vie. Keep writing.
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Thomas Harper
10:05 pm | March 23, 2004
also, ive wriiten about 5 storys and one poem. so i think thats enough evidence that im not a newb. lol.
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Thomas Harper
9:54 pm | March 23, 2004
flu i am not a newb i have been here for over a year and a half. just to let u know.
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Flu
6:58 pm | March 23, 2004
Yes...you have to start somewhere, and this is a good start.1) Onomatopoeia is typically not used in text. It can be set apart for emphasis, but just having the word BOOM! in the middle of a sentence is kinda comic-bookish. Same thing with the count down at the end. Actually putting all the numbers from 10-1 is just a waste of space. You could have described the count down itself, or what MC and the marines heard and felt as each number clicked off.
2) Way too much useless dialogue. Try using as little dialogue as possible first. Describe what the characters see, hear, feel and smell. Then - and only then - add the dialogue.
3) You really rushed that last part. We all do it. We want to get these stories submitted RIGHT NOW, but it's best to slow down and s-t-r-e-t-c-h it out.
Like I said, good START.
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fotahn
9:51 pm | March 22, 2004
it's aaaaaaaaaaaaliiiiiiiiiiiiiive!!!!
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Thomas Harper
11:35 pm | March 21, 2004
newbs! newbs! so many...too many, help us! lol jk u have to get started some time.
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Thomas Harper
6:04 pm | March 21, 2004
hello...anyone home?
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