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When Worlds Collide by Gasmask
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When Worlds Collide (A Halo Comedy)
Date: 29 November 2002, 7:22 pm
Location: Five kilos away from Halo
Time: 10:36 AM
Date: September 10, 2558
The Master Chief gazed out the view-port at the ring world. It was being destroyed. Sections of the world broke off, and crashed into other parts. It was finally over.
"Did anyone else make it?" the Spartan asked.
"Scanning..." Cortana replied. "Just dust and echoes. We're all that's left! We did what we had to do, for Earth! An entire Covenant armada destroyed, and the Flood! Halo. It's finished."
"No, I think we're just getting started," the Chief replied. He removed his helmet, and scratched his stubbly scalp. He set his helmet on his lap, and began to doze.
"Cortana, wake me if anything bad happens," he yawned.
"Yes, dear," she murmered.
Location: Orbiting Veagan
Time: 10:36 AM
Stardate: 0-798-Oh, who cares?
"Mr. Sulu, set coordinates for star...base 12. We...need to... refuel... and resupply," Cpt. James T. Kirk ordered.
"Aye, sir. Setting coordinates now," the Navigator replied.
Dr. McCoy spoke up. "By the way, Jim, I set up your appointment for the speech therepist for 3:00 this afternoon."
Jim turned on the doctor. "What...are you...insinuating...Doctor?"
Bones' face contorted with the aquardness of the situation. "Well, Jim, you have to get that **** speech impediment taken care of. I can't stand it any more, and neither can the crew."
"Well...I like...to talk like this. It...makes things much...more dramatic."
"And cheesy," Spock said as he stared at the mesmerising light that spun inside his science reader.
"Are you still trying to see the picture of that goat in there, Spock?" Uhura asked.
"No," Spock replied, "I changed the "Mystic Retina" picture last month. It's supposed to be a sail boat."
"Oh, really?" Sulu asked, "Can I try?"
"No," Spock replied.
"Why not?" Sulu whined.
"Because, if you try it, you'll break my concentration, and I'll have to do my evil neck pinch thingy on you."
"Oh, ok then," Sulu snapped, an expression of deep disappointment on his features.
The crew went back to their usual duties. Spock searched for the sailboat, Uhura talked to herself in the microphone, Sulu pretended to push buttons, Bones cursed at everyone, and the Captain tried to seduce ten moon princesses at once. Then, something went wrong.
"Sulu, what...is that...on the screen?" Kirk asked.
"It looks like a giant, cheaply made, inverted spinning top," Sulu said, transfixed with horror.
"Spock," Bones asked, "Can you get a reading on that thing?"
"No, because it'll ruin my concentration. I must find the sail-boat!"
"Warp speed ahead, Mr. Sulu!" Jim shouted.
"Jimmy! Your speech impediment!" the Doctor asked, "Where did it go?"
"It always leaves when I'm doing something stupid or dangerous! Let's go!"
"Wait, I'm getting something," Uhura said. "It's the producer. He says we're to cheesily throw ourselves around the set in 5...4...3...2...1...THROW!"
They all threw themselves about unashamedly, and red lights went off at various intervals. They grunted and groaned.
"Why...are...we...DOING THIS?" Sulu inquired.
"Because we're paid to do it," Spock said, throwing himself about while still having his eyes transfixed in the reader.
"Warp speed!" The captain ordered once again. "Lieutenant Chekov, you're my gofer. Gofer some Coke! I can't have a silly speech impediment without some ice cold Coca Cola!"
"Yis, sir!"
"We've hit the evil, cheap top, sir! What now?" Sulu asked.
"That's no top, that's a portal, and we're through!" Kirk replied.
"How did you know it was a portal?" Uhura asked.
"Because I know what to do in every situation," the captain replied, tapping buttons on his command chair.
"I found it!" Spock yelled, "I found the sail boat!"
"Good," Bones said, "Now can you please scan the area?"
"No way! I just got one that's supposed to be a cat!" The rest of the crew groaned.
"Where...are we...Mr. Sulu?" Kirk asked, once again calm, collected, and back at annoying everyone.
"Dunno. But there is a giant ship in front of us. It looks like an inverted bird of prey. It's headed straight for us!"
"Ready the phasers, Mr. Sulu," Jim ordered.
"But sir! We don't have phasers! We had a budget cut, and now all we have are red light bulbs where the phasers should be!"
"I don't CARE!" the Captain said, "JUST FIRE THE LIGHT-BULBS!"
"Aye, aye, captain."
Cortana looked out of the view port. The Chief napped quietly, occasionally moaning in his sleep. Poor guy. He needed his rest. He continued to moan.
"Either you're having a very bad dream, or a very good one," Cortana whispered.
"Dwuht? Hmm? Did you say something, Coratana?" the Chief croaked.
"Nothing! Nothing." Suddenly, a console light beeped.
"Chief, wake up! Something's wrong."
The Spartan woke with a start. "We're being hailed." He hit the com-button. A picture of a fat naval commander of some kind was on the screen.
"Un-identified Bird of Prey, identify yourself or prepare to be destroyed!"
"Who is this?" The chief asked, "What do you want?"
"I want your BLOOD!" the little man replied, "Prepare to be light-bulbed to death!" The com went dead.
"Weird," the Chief said. "Light bulbed?" He looked on his radar. Nothing but a small blip on the screen. It was six inches long, and apparently made of Balsa wood and paint. There were hundreds of life forms on board. Maybe ants took over some kid's model and went renegade. He noticed bright red light coming from the ship.
"Is that supposed to be a laser or something?" Cortana asked, her features a mix of humor and bewilderment.
"I suppose so. I wonder what their "missiles" are?"
"Jim, the light bulb is doing nothing," Bones said, "We need to retreat."
"No! I...will never give...up. I will never...admit...defeat!" The captain motioned to Mr. Sulu. "Load up the photon torpedoes and fire them!"
"But sir," Sulu replied, "Our photon torpedoes are pebbles!"
"What?" Kirk asked, "Why all the budget cuts?!"
"StarFleet's trying to run the thing on $20 a month. It gets pretty hectic."
"Ok, whatever, just fire the gravel!"
Inside the bowels of the ship, next to the cardboard prop reactor, hundreds of men and women pulled on the giant rubber band attached to the first piece of gravel. It stretched to the breaking point, then they released.
>Tink<
"Did you hear something?" Cortana asked.
"I think that was their missile. Scan it, please," the Chief replied.
"It's a composition of granite and quartz. Gravel?"
"Ok, these guys are really starting to annoy me. Targeting...activating chain guns...target locked...FIRING!"
Anti aircraft rounds shredded throught the balsa wood. People the size of ants fell out into space. Once again, the Longsword was hailed.
"You...have proved yourself...a worthy...opponent. You...have...killed most of my...crew...including my speech therapist, and you have...destroyed my cardboard...standup reactor. You...leave me no choice...but to... bring out the big...guns!"
"I found the cat! I found the cat!" Spock yelled.
"Shut up, Spock, I'm trying to trick this guy into thinking we've got more weapons and power than we do," Kirk whispered.
Cortana and the MC looked at each other with raised eyebrows.
"I don't think that it's worth the effort," the soldier sighed.
"Me either," Cortana agreed, "Let's just watch them for a while."
"Hey! Hey, I can hear you! You can't get anything past me! You're running away! That means I won't get to kill you! I won't stand for it!"
The Chief hit the mute button. "Wake me if there's any more problems, Cortana."
"All right," the AI whispered. She continued to read Kirk's lips. She interpreted what he was saying.
"I...will...ram...your...ship..." she deciphered. "I will ram your ship? Oh, no, big threat! I'm afraid! We're gonna die!" She chuckled softly. "Go ahead, make my day."
"Warp speed thatta way!" Kirk called. Sulu hit the engines, Uhura and bones ran for the elevator, while Spock tried to find a bicycle in his science reader.
"WE RAM!!!!!!!" Kirk yelled, and laughed maniacally.
>CHIFF!<
The Enterprise hit the Longsword, and collapsed into splinters. The Longsword continued to drift along. The Chief snored softly as they moved.
"Chief, the balsa wood offender is gone. Do you want to report this?"
"Hm? What? Uh, no. Let's just forget the whole thing." They sat in silence for a while. The Spartan then clicked on the radio, and drifted to sleep listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony. On to home, hearth, and more potent enemies.
The End?
When Worlds Collide 2: A New Medium
Date: 14 January 2003, 4:24 am
The Chief stirred in his seat. He saw them. Nightmares of people he'd known, enemies he'd killed, and things he'd destroyed. All of them were standing around him, laughing at him, or screaming for mercy. Suddenly, he began to fall, down, down, into the giant, empty face of the flood infected Keyes. He shouted, and woke. He was back in the Longsword, and Cortana was staring at him with a look of relief on her face.
"Chief! Thank goodness you're awake! We're heading towards a black hole. I'll work on the navigation coordinates to try and get us out of here, you man the controls."
"Right," the chief said, grabbing the flight sticks. He tried to turn the ship, but they were spiraling out of control.
"NO!" Cortana said, "Didn't we have enough of this time travel crap in our 'Strange Tale' series?"
"I guess not," the Chief said, "Let's just play along again."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the longsword swooped down the tube, and into another dimension. 932 A.D. >KLIPKLIPKLOP!KLIPKLIPKLOP!KLIPKLIPKLOP!KLIPKLIPKLOP!< King Arthur pranced along the road, scanning for any signs of the Holy Grail. He looked behind him, and saw Sir Galahad, Sir Lancelot, Sir Robin, Sir Bedovir, and a few other knights bringing up the rear. All of the squires were banging on coconut halves, simulating the noise of galloping horses while their knights pranced.
It was rocky country, Arthur surveyed, and hard for the horses they...um... sort of rode. Suddenly, there was a blast of fire near their position! Thunder followed, and fire sprang up in another place. All of the knights stood their ground, Sir Robin cowering in fear. Arthur strained his sight, and saw a man causing all the fire works.
Who in the world...? He thought. His answer was quickly supplied, for in a puff of smoke, the man calling up the fire appeared before them. He continued to summon the fire by simply pointing. Arthur spoke up.
"What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?" he asked.
"I...am an enchanter," the darkly dressed man replied. Arthur looked at Bedovir, then back at the robed man.
"By what name are you known?" the king querried.
"There are some who call me...Tim," the enchanter said.
"Greetings, Tim the enchanter," Arthur said, smugly.
"Greetings, King Arthur," Tim said in a gruff Scottish accent.
"You know my name?" the noble asked.
"I do," the enchanter replied, then torched the air in front of the king and his knights with napalm emitted from a staff. "You seek the Holy Grail."
"That is our quest," Arthur acknowledged. "You know much that is hidden, though, Tim."
"Quite," the wizard replied, then sent a rocket screeching towards a dead tree. The knights clapped.
"Yes. Yes," Arthur continued, "We're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail." The other knights confirmed this, and Tim only stared, hard. There was a slight pause.
"And, and so we're looking for it," the king hinted again.
"Yes. Yes for quite some time now," Sir Robin said.
"Ages," Galahad confirmed. Still, Tim the Enchanter only stared.
"Uh, so anything you could do to help would be very...uh...helpful."
"Look, can you tell us where...," Galahad said, rushing forward. Tim pointed his finger in front of Galahad, and a fire ball leapt up, stopping the knight in his tracks.
"Fine," Arthur said as Galahad hopped back. "Um...I don't want to waste any more of your time, but uh...I don't suppose you could tell us where we might find a um...a uh"
"A what?" Tim querried.
"A g...a g...a" the noble stammered.
"A GRAIL?" Tim shouted.
"Yes," the king replied, "I think so." The other knights confirmed the fact.
"Yes," was Tim's one word answer.
"Oh. Thank you," the knights said. Tim did some more tricks.
"Look, you're a busy man, and I..."
"Yes," Tim interrupted, "I can help you find the Holy Grail. To the north there lies a cave. The cave of Kair-Bannor wherin, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedvir are written. Therin is the most holy resting place of the Holy Grail."
"Where can we find this cave, oh Tim?"
"Follow," the enchanter said, "But, follow only if ye be men of valor. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four and fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage, or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth," he said as he made a mandible with his hand. Meanwhile, thunder was going off at odd intervals, so no one heard the crash a single longsword fighter made when it hit the ground next to the cave of Kair-Bannor.
"PULL UP! PULL UP!" Cortana yelled inside the Chief's helmet. They were going down. Just one thing left to do. The Spartan yanked on the yellow latch over his head, and he ejected from the craft with amazing speed. His descent was slow, but he finally made it down safely. He got out of the seat, and walked towards a depression in the land that led to a small cave. He turned, and saw a lot of nights.
"Oh, boy. This is not good," he said. After thinking for a few moments, he got up and walked over to the knights. "What the heck," he whispered, "Might as well mingle with the natives."
"Behold the cave of Kair-Bannor!" Tim said. Arthur looked for the beast. He couldn't find it. Then, he saw a tall knight clad in green armor. He screamed. Maybe that was the beast. All the knights turned, and pointed the swords at the Chief.
"Who're you?" Tim asked.
"I'm...uh... Sir Chief. I suppose that's King Arthur," the Spartan Gestured, "I'm here to join the quest for the Holy Grail."
"Good," Tim said, "You look like you're made of tougher stock than they are. They could use you."
"Right," the Spartan said, "So, where's the monster we're supposed to be fighting?"
"It's coming," Tim said.
"Keep me covered," Arthur said.
"What with?" Lancelot asked.
"Just keep me covered."
"Too late!" Tim said! "There it is!"
The knights and the Chief looked, and saw a fluffy white bunny rabbit.
"What?" the King asked, "Behind the rabbit?"
"It is the rabbit," Tim replied.
"You silly sod! You got us all worked up!" the king ranted.
"Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!" Tim insisted, "That's the most foul, cruel, and bad tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"
The argument continued, till one of the knights went out to face the bunny. Suddenly, the creature leapt, and bit the knight's head off.
"I warned you!" Tim said. "I told you that's no..."
"Oh, shut up!" Arthur said, still shocked. "Charge!" The MC still stood where he was. He had seen this movie before, and knew how it ended. Time to just watch the fun. Several more knights had their heads bitten off until Arthur ordered, "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" The knights got back, and right before they got to the scene with the Holy Hand Grenade, there was a flash of light, and a phone booth with two eighties looking dudes stepped out.
"Dude, I told you that you punched in the wrong number!"
"Look, Ted, this is some time in the past, isn't it? We'll just grab a historical character from this time period for our paper!" Bill said.
"Oh, yeah," Ted mumbled. "Hey, it's King Arthur and his knights!"
"Yeah, let's bag one!" Bill said. "Oh, most excellent of all rulers, will you come with us to help us out with our history report?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys," the Master Chief intervened, "You can't take these guys right now. They have a movie to finish and moolah to collect."
"Bogus," Bill and Ted said together. After a little pause, Bill spoke up, "Well, who can we take?"
"Well," the Chief said, "There is a nice, little, important bunny rabbit over there who killed a lot of knights. Take it!"
"Excellent! But uh, how do we keep it from killing us?" Ted slurred.
"I've got a little flash bang with me that will blind him for two hours. That will give you guys enough time to get back to San Dimes in time for your report."
"Excellent! Can we take you too?" Bill asked.
"No," the Chief said, "I'm from the year 2552. Remember, it's a history report, not a future report."
"Oh, right. Let's do it!"
So the Chief threw the Holy Flash-bang of Antioch, and blinded the rabbit.
"Nab it!" Ted yelled. They grabbed the bunny, got back in the booth, and returned to 1988.
"Uh, we have an interesting report today," Bill began.
"Ya! We got Joan of Arc, Genghis Khan, Abe Lincoln, Socrates, Beethoven, Freud, and, oh yeah, this evil bunny rabbit from King Arthur's time!"
"Ya," Bill confirmed, "It killed lots of knights!"
"Look out Bill, it's waking up!"
"NO!"
It was at that moment that the bunny rabbit woke up, and destroyed all of San Dimes High School. Ok, back to the original story...
"It's the black beast of ARRRGH!" Arthur, his knights, Brother Maynard, and the MC had entered the cave, right into the claws of the black beast. It chased them for a long time, then all of a sudden, the animator doing the black beast of ARRRGH had a fatal heart attack, and the black beast was no more.
FF>>>
FF>>>
At the Bridge of Death, the Chief had Cortana analyze the Forge of Eternal Peril.
"It's another stupid time warp. Look, just jump in here. This is the window for 2552 earth."
And so, the Chief flung himself into the void, landing soundly on solid earth. He looked up, and saw a golden elite wielding a sword looking down at him and laughing.
"You know, this is really beginning to be a bad day."
The End
When Worlds Collide 2.5
Date: 15 January 2003, 4:39 am
What should have been in "WWC 2"
Quick disclaimer: This, like my other two WWC stories, is a parody. So, no sue Gasmask, right Mr. Python? Right? Gulp. Anyhoo, here goes.
>Continued from last story<
It turns out, readers, that the Master Chief was not staring at a laughing golden elite. He was staring at a laughing Anakin Skywalker, wielding a light saber.
"Yo, yo, wait a minute, here, Gasmask!" the Chief yelled.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"This is supposed to be a rehashing of that awful 'When Worlds Collide 2' that you made when you were half asleep, isn't it?"
"Well yeah, but I want to give the people their money's worth in the story. New tale time, man."
"You're not getting paid for doing this crap!" the Chief shouted back.
"Look, you'd better keep a respectful tongue in your head, or I'll do something really nasty."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Imagine fighting the Covenant in a pink tutu, prancing about on your tippy-toes."
"No. Please, no. Anything but that! I'll be good, I promise!"
"Ok, just remember what is waiting for you if you break that promise."
"Yeah, yeah. Look, can we hurry this up? I've got a date in a few hours."
"Ok. Back to our story."
Anakin Skywalker just laughed. "I killed them all! It was awesome! The men, the women, the Tusken tots, I KILLED THEM ALL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The maniacal Padawan looked up at the MC, examining his new adversary.
"Ooh, cool. George, do I get to kill this guy too?" Anakin asked.
George Lucas stirred in his director's chair. "Um, no, Ani. I think you'll just have a cool fight scene in which this um...new, un-casted character kicks your butt, but then Jar Jar comes to your rescue."
"Oh, grand," Anakin said. "I am dead. So, are you some sort of clone trooper? Or are you a bounty hunter? Or another Sith bad guy?"
"I'm a Spartan, a 400 pound cybernetically enhanced super soldier, and I am going to KICK YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE ***!"
"Bring it on!" Anakin yelled as he rushed the Chief with his light saber. The young Jedi swung, and brought the weapon down on the Spartan's head. Only, it didn't go through the Chief's shield.
"Oh...crap..." Anakin whispered. Just then, the Chief kicked Anakin between the legs. The doofus Jedi began to sing a high C#, breaking George's martini glass.
"Oh, now Ani, look what you've done!" George said softly. "You've made my martini spill all over the only copy of the script!" The director held up a large, fly infested pile of dog poo, which was now covered with a martini with an olive on the top. "This was my best work, too! I'm very, very disappointed in you."
"I'm sorry," Anakin said, his voice squeaking like one of the mice from "Cinderella."
"Don't be sorry. Just don't be," George growled.
"WHAT?" Anakin screamed.
"I mean I want that Spartan guy there to rip your head off. Mr. Spartan, if you please."
"My pleasure," the Chief said as he rushed the shrimpy Jedi.
"Please, don't hurt me!" Anakin pleaded as he bounced up and down in pain. The Chief kicked him in the nuts again.
"No little 'Luke's or 'Leia's for YOU, mister!" the Spartan laughed.
"Please," Skywalker pleaded, "Kill me quickly. I'm in so much pain."
"ANI! ANI! Mesa is heresa! Mesa is hersa to savea yousa!"
Oh, no, the chief thought, Not this guy.
"Jar Jar," Anakin squeaked, "Help me... please!"
"Howsa?" the Gungan asked, "Mesa no think mi can take on himsa!"
"Here!" the Master Chief said, "Put this apple on the top of your head, and stand next to that big rock!"
"How will thatsa help himsa?" the buffoon asked.
"He'll run over to you and snatch it off of your head when he's hungry. No go do it!"
"Yesa, mista Spartansa!" The Gungan obeyed, and trotted off towards the rock. "Ok, mi is ready!" he yelled.
"Good!" the chief responded as Anakin rolled in pain, "Just stay there!" Slowly, the Spartan took out his sniper rifle from his pack, and loaded the weapon.
"What if you miss?" Cortana asked.
"I won't," the soldier growled. He aimed for the base of the apple, and fired. At the rock, Jar Jar fell dead, a bullet straight through his brain.
"You missed!" Cortana whispered.
"Who says?" the Chief laughed. He turned again, and saw Anakin fall to the ground.
"My midicloriens," he sobbed, clutching his crotch. "My midicloriens!"
"Ok, now to deal with you." In a swift motion, the Master Chief punted Anakin Skywalker 500 yards through the air. The Jedi apprentice fell into the Pit of Carcoon. All the Sarlac did when it was finished swallowing was heave a tremendous belch.
"Always two there are," a small, raspy voice said from behind the soldier, "A cyborg, and a construct. No more, no less." The Chief turned, and saw Yoda's slumping body hunch towards him.
"Hey, it's the Mexican jumping bean master of the Force!" the Chief said.
Yoda frowned. "Careful, be you," the Jedi Master said as he made his way to the other side of the set, "Do not mock Yoda. Yoda must bathroom to go."
The Chief only stared. "Um, ok. Look, I know a speech therapist..."
"Bad as Captain Kirk, I am not," Yoda said. "Hmmm? Hehehehehehe. Relief I need. Yes. Relief. Too full, my bladder is."
Suddenly, Weird Al Yankovic came out from behind a rock, and began to sing. "Yoda! Yo, yo, yo, yo, Yoda! Yo, yo,yo,yo, Yoda! Yoda! You look like a Toada! To, to, to, to, toada! To, to, to, to toada! Yoda!"
"Death you will get," the little green man growled, "If your song you do continue!"
"Oh, ok," Al said. "Well, I've got to do something now that I'm here. I've got it! 'Amish Paradise'!"
"Whatever," Yoda said, "Move your butt, you must, so go to the bathroom, Yoda shall."
"Cool. Ok, here goes. 'As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain, I take a look at my wife, and realize..."
The Chief screamed. "Gasmask! Will you please get me out of here?"
"Sure, sure. No problem. Back you go!"
And with that, the Chief disappeared in a puff of smoke, and all was better in the world of Star Wars.
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