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A Whacky Spartan by Daniel Jackson
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A Whacky Spartan (Parts 1-2)
Date: 16 July 2002, 10:06 pm
Part 1: Will's Problems
January 22, 3002 Military Calendar
Precision MCAS NHI, Epsilon Eridani System
*** Daniel-047 Will-013 James-510 Jake-048 Steven-209 Brittany-672 Sergeant Ryan Miller
It's a normal day in the world... so far. But one little thing has broken the peace at the SPARTAN III Bunker 8 at Precision MCAS on New Hawaii, Epsilon Eridani System
Daniel: Will!!!!!!!!
Will: Oh shit, he found out....
Daniel: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!
Brittany: You mean, it wasn't you on the COM channel?
Daniel: Of course not! I hate your guts! I want to kill you!
Brittany: I love you too, Daniel...
Brittany moves in to give the "Perfect Soldier" a kiss.
Daniel: If you do, I'll---
Three minutes later...
Will: Look at the happy little couple!
Daniel moves away from Brittany, takes out his M6D, and points it at Will's head.
Will: Crap!!
Daniel: You have 20 milliseconds to run...
Will: Bye!
With that, Will runs like a Grunt out of detention. About an hour later, Daniel is still looking for Will, in hopes of killing him.
Daniel: Will, I know you're hiding...come out, so I can give you this nice little cartridge of bullets...
Will: I want 20 nice little cartidges of bullets! .390!
Daniel: *turns around* There you are!!
Daniel shoots one bullet at some crates where he heard the voice come from. Will runs out of the hiding place. After another hour of running, Daniel decides to kill Will while he's asleep because he just can't find the man anywhere at the moment. Daniel closes the hangar door where the Longsword Interceptors are held, and goes to his quarters. Inside the hangar, we see Will in Daniel's modified Longsword.
Will: I lost Daniel... he actually thought he could find and kill me! I'm glad I did that impersonation of him on the radio while talking to Brittany! How Did Will Pass Training?
Part 2 - The Next Morning
January 23, 3002 Military Calendar
Epsilon Eridani System
*** The next morning, Will climbed out of his hiding place for the night, Daniel 's own Longsword Interceptor. His stomach growled loudly, and he decided that it was time to risk his life to eat something for breakfast.
Will: Wait until I find Daniel, he'll only be alive for a mere millisecond. Then, finally, Brittany will be MINE! He walked into the Mess Hall, where he saw the "Perfect Soldier" eating his MRE Cheerios. The 23 year old Will smirked, remembering the conversation he had with "Shay" last night.
"Shay": Remember, your mission is to kill Daniel-047 so Brittany-672 can be yours, just as she was meant to be!
Will: *in a hypnotic state* Yes, Shay.
Will walks up to the table, taking a seat directly across from Daniel, who was busily eating his fourth pack of Cheerios. Daniel finally looked up to see Will with his "Smirk" on his face.
Daniel: Will, if you're trying to impersonate me, you're doing a very crappy job of it.
Will: *talking like a mindless drone* I'm not trying to impersonate you, Daniel. I want to kill you...
Daniel: Hehe...that's good, Will! You can stop now! Jesus, that was a good one... Um, Will...aren't you supposed to be bouncing-off-the-walls hyper or something?
Will: Why?
Daniel: *looks at his watch* Nope, today's not April Fool's...I know! You're playing a trick on me! Ok, it was pretty damn funny at first, but it's getting a little lame.
Will: You think I'm kidding? *whips out a gun*
Daniel: *smirks* Great impersonation, Will, but I'm not Brittany...
Will: Now you die, Daniel...
And with that statement, Will fires the gun, the bullet hitting Daniel's left arm. Brittany, who was running around the track behind the building, heard the gunshots and ran in to check on Daniel. When she got into the hall, she saw Jake, James, and Steven standing around someone. Thinking it was Will who had been shot, she went to the ground, only to be surprised...
Brittany: Will, are you--DANIEL! Are you ok?
Steven: Does Daniel LOOK like he's "ok" to you? He just got shot in the arm by Belchik over there!
Daniel: *sits up, but grimaces in pain* Why the hell did you do THAT for?
Will: I told you, I'm going to kill you...and I don't want your sister, then I'll have your girlfriend all to myself...
Daniel: Will, I told you already! I CAN'T STAND Brittany! You want her? FINE! Take her!
But in the mind of our 47 System possessed Will,(Daniel studied computer programming and came up with an aid to the MJOLNIR targeting system) he hears something completely different from the Afro-Americo SPARTAN III II...
"Daniel": Hell no! You can NEVER have Brittany! She's mine...FOREVER!
Will starts growling, and raises the pistol to shoot Daniel again, this time in the chest. He starts to pull the trigger, when Brittany jumps in front of Daniel, shielding him from whatever bullets Will may have wanted to fire.
Brittany: Leave Daniel alone! I thought you two were teammates!
But of course, in the messed up mind of Will Belchik, he doesn't *exactly* hear those words from his "beloved"...
"Brittany": Will! Spare Daniel! You know I'm eternally devoted to you, and ONLY you! I love you!
Will: *lowering the gun* Alright, my love! I'll spare Jackson's life...just this one time! Daniel, if I *ever* catch you near MY woman, I won't hesitate to blow you to hell! Got that?
Daniel: Huh? Whatever! I thought that relationships were discouraged by the UNSC anyway...
Damn that 47 System, it's making Will think Daniel replied in a not-so-nice manner...
"Daniel": F*ck you, Will! When the UNSC finds about this, you will be CM'ed.
Will growls, raises the gun again, but drops it once more and walks out of the mess hall. He heads up to his quarters, with his stomach still growling. After Will disappears, Brittany takes Daniel to the closest medic. While Will was laying down on his cot, his best friend, "Shay", appears once more...
"Shay": What the hell? Will, I thought you wanted to get Brittany! You let Jackson live, but why?
Will: Well, Shay...I was about to kill Daniel and get rid of him once and for all, but then Brittany jumped in front of me! I didn't want to accidentally hurt or kill my love! Besides, the other men were there too...
"Shay": Other men? You mean, Daniel's teammates?
Will: Yeah, but they're mine too!
"Shay": How can you be so sure that they aren't after your Brittany as well?
Will: ? What do you mean?
"Shay": Think about it, Will. How do they treat you?
Will: Hmm...James and Jake are pretty helpful to me, but that Steven acts like he's got a plasma grenade shoved far up his ass!
"Shay": Why don't you get rid of that Steven guy, as well as Daniel?
Will: I have no reason to...
Right then, James, Jake, and Steven enter Will's quarters. They decide that now would be the perfect time to have a little inquisition with the Petty Officer First Class himself...
Steven: Alright, Belchik, I have to admit, you've done some pretty stupid things over the past seventeen years, but shooting Jackson has to be the STUPIDEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE!
Jake: I have to agree with Steven on this one, it's true...
James: Yeah...but I have one question...why?
In Will's messed up mind, however...
"Steven": Alright, Belchik, I have to say one thing: Brittany's MINE!
"Jake": Actually, Steven, she's MINE!
"James": NO, she's MINE!
"Shay": *inside Will's head* See, Will? I told you they were against you...
Will: NO! You CAN'T HAVE BRITTANY! SHE BELONGS TO ME!! SHE'S ALL MINE! MINE! MINE I TELL YOU! 10-4 on that?!
The other three SPARTAN IIIS decide to leave Will alone for a while. They go downstairs into the living area to have a little...discussion about Will and his state of mind at the moment.
Steven: What the hell is Belchik's problem? Did you guys give him some more marijuana?
James: As far as I know, nope.
Jake: Why in Forerunner's existence would I give Will ANYTHING?
Steven: *looking at Jake* ... Good question...
At that moment, Daniel returns from the First Aid Station, without Brittany. His left arm is completely patched with BioFoam, due to the explosive round, and he managed to hear the last bit of the conversation.
Daniel: Did you guys even notice Will's eyes?
James: Now that I think about it, his eyes were a little darker than normal...
Jake: You don't think he...
Steven: *eyes widen as he realizes what must have happened* BELCHIK WAS EXPOSED TO THE 47 SYSTEM?
Jake: *rubbing his ear* A little louder, Steven, I can still hear from my right ear...
Steven: Humph...I don't need to take this! *goes to his room to practice ECM*
Daniel: *ignoring Steven's comment* Will's been exposed to the 47 System, but when? There weren't any drops we had to...oh crap...
Jake and James: ???
Daniel: He must have went into my Longsword last night, when I was chasing him for that impersonation he did of me on the COM! Damn him!
James: Yeah, but...I was exposed to the 47 System, twice, and it didn't make me THAT crazy!
Jake: James, this is Will we're conversing about...anything's possible with THAT man...
James: Good point...what are you going to do, Daniel?
Daniel: I'm going to wear my MJOLNIR III 24/7, that's what I'M going to do! *walks off*
James: What about us?
Daniel: You guys figure out something...
James and Jake: .... *sigh*
Meanwhile, in Will's quarters...
Will: *overhearing the conversation* Holy Covenant Droppings! They think they can stop ME? HA! They have no idea how wrong they are! And I, The Great Sniper, will show them that! And I will claim Brittany Sierra as MINE!
"Shay": *smirking evily* That's right, Will...get your revenge and claim Brittany as yours...I will help you...
A Whacky Spartan (Part 3)
Date: 16 July 2002, 10:06 pm
Part 3 - The other SPARTAN III's are in trouble!
Daniel lands in the medic station again...
January 23, 3002 Military Calendar Epsilon Eridani System
*** The next morning, Will walked downstairs to get some breakfast. He was hoping to meet the injured Daniel Jackson, but instead ran into Steven, who was less than happy to see Will. In an attempt to act normal, Will ignores the Redheaded man and gets out a spoon to eat his MRE Lucky Charms. (Remember, he's not allowed to eat the MRE Cheerios!) Steven, as he drank his coffee, noticed the crazy American and thought to himself that maybe the 47 System's effect had finally worn off. He decided to have a little...conversation with Will.
Steven: So, Belchik...how are you on this wonderful new New Hawaiian day?
Will ignores Steven, pretending that he didn't hear the other SPARTAN III pilot making a threat to take Brittany and marry her.
Steven: *slowly getting annoyed with Will* BELCHIK! Answer my QUESTION!
This time, Will loses his control, reaches across the table, and begins choking Steven, screaming that he will "never have Brittany."
Steven: Bastard! I do NOT want that girl! She's yours for all I care!
Will: *grinning* That's exactly what I wanted to hear, Steve-man. Thank you! *lets go of Steven and dances around the compound happily*
Of course, on his fourth time around the compound, Stupidami runs right into Jake, who was actually dressed...in a tuxedo...
Will: *eyeing Jake suspiciously* Where do you think you're going? You're going somewhere with Brittany, aren't you?
Jake: *confused* What? What the hell is wrong with you, Will? I'm not going out anywhere with Brittany! You know today's my sister Ali's wedding on New Reach, and I'm her future husband's best man!
But of course, that's not what Will-013 hears...
"Jake": Duh, you bastard! I told you months ago that I was going to marry Brittany today! You're my best man!!
Will whips out a MA9E and starts shooting at Jake's feet. Poor Jake is forced to jump up and down to avoid getting shot in the boots.
Will: NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE BRITTANY! SHE'S MINE FOR ALL ETERNITY! YOU GOT THAT, BITCH?
Jake: Yes, yes, YES! Please stop, Will! I REALLY need to get going!
But alas...the 47 System and "Shay" kick in again...
"Jake": Whatever, Will! You'll never have her, especially since she agreed to marry ME!
Will throws Jake out the window, making the poor man fall a good three stories. Brittany, who was outside lifting weights with James, went to the now semi-conscious Jake and checked to make sure that he was all right. She looked up from the spot where he had fallen, and saw Will there, laughing.
Will: That'll teach you to take MY woman! BRITTANY! What are you doing with that trash? *jumps the three stories down and doesn't get hurt* Is it true, Brittany?
Brittany: What in the world are you talking about, sir?
Will: Are you really going to marry Jake?
Brittany: Of COURSE NOT! Why would I marry Jake?
But to Will...
"Brittany": Of course I wouldn't marry JAKE, I want to marry YOU!
Will: Oh, Brittany-672! *gives Brittany a passionate kiss*
At that very moment, a certain Perfect Soldier just happened to walk right outside and saw Will kissing the former "SPARTAN of the Year." Daniel's eyes widen VERY characteristically, and the shock is suddenly replaced by anger and jealousy.
Daniel: *walks up to the couple* I thought you liked me, Brittany...
Brittany: *pushes Will away from her* I DO! I--He...*barfs*
Will: *catches the lovely Brittany before she goes THUD on the ground* Ah, so you're after my woman again, Jackson? Didn't you learn anything LAST night?
Daniel: *backs Will into wall* Yeah, I learned that you've been inside of my Longsword, and that I really should BE PREPARED! *whips out a gun* Now YOU D--
Before Daniel can finish his little speech, he trips and fires the pistol accidentally. The other four SPARTAN III's see a bird fall out of the sky, dead, and landed right on top of Daniel.
Daniel: *showing a look of disgust* How the...
Will: *standing up and grinning like an idiot* Aww! Look at poor little Daniel-047! Did little Daniel-047 break his butt? *starts laughing*
Daniel: *growling as he gets up* WILL! NOW YOU DIE!
Will starts smirking again, and grabs the gun Daniel dropped, aiming at him. He shoots, and he places another bullet into the "Perfect Soldier," this time in the leg.
Daniel: Damn! I knew I should have worn my armor today!
Will: It's not like it would have worked, anyways! I disabled the shield! Well, Daniel-047, it's time for me to go! Goodbye, and remember...Brittany's MINE! HAHA! *runs away*
James and Steven try locating the insane Petty Officer, but after about seven hours, they both decided to give up. Motion Trackers showed nothing. Since it was MDMT(Mid-day Meal Time), they went into the mess hall to have something to eat for MDMT, knowing that eventually, Will's bottomless pit of a stomach would get the better of him. Of course, Brittany took Daniel to the Medic Station for the second time in 24 hours, only to be sent to the closest UNSC hospital. Jake was already in the hospital, and he and Daniel ended up in the same room.
Daniel: We've gotta figure out how in the world to stop Will...
Jake: No kidding, I can't take much more of this crap. Daniel, I have a question...
Daniel: What..
Jake: I don't mean to be nosy, but...do you really like Brittany?
Daniel: I do NOT LIKE THAT ANNOYING GIRL! She's....beautiful...and smart....and...and... *drools*
Jake: I see, Daniel. *thinking* Yep, he's in love with Brittany. I guess I owe Steven my new S4 DM Sniper Rifle with 45x zoom...damn.
Little do the injured SPARTAN III's know that their fellow soldier, the one called Will, just happened to be outside of their room, hearing every part of the conversation.
Will: AHA! So he IS after MY Brittany! I'll teach him a lesson...but how?
"Shay": Here's an idea, Will. You know where the nurses have their little "locker room" place?
Will: OH YEAH! *drools*
"Shay": *hits Will upside the head* Snap outta it! I thought you loved Brittany...
Will: Oh yeah! *starts acting serious* Well, what does *that* have to do with killing Daniel?
"Shay": *grins*
Will: *suddenly realizes what's going on* OH NO! I'm NOT dressing up like a nurse! I HATE CROSSDRESSING!
"Shay": A little louder, Will, I'm not quite sure if everyone in the hospital HEARD YOU! *hits Will again* Do you want Brittany as yours, or are you going to let that bastard get her?
Will: Well...yeah...*under his breath* Love hurts.
"Shay": *grins* Alright, here's the plan...
A Whacky Spartan (Part 4)
Date: 16 July 2002, 10:06 pm
Part 4 - Who's that hitting on Jake?
January 24, 3002 Military Calendar Epsilon Eridani System
*** Will: Why me?
"Shay": You want Brittany, don't you, Will?
Will: *eyes start to turn a darker shade of blue* Yes, must kill other SPARTAN III's...
"Shay": Well, get going, Will...
Will: Heh, ok...
Will heads towards the cafeteria to get our two injured S3's some REAL food. Meanwhile, in Jake and Daniel's room...
Daniel: Damn, this sucks!
Jake: Yeah, it does. Here we are stuck in bed, while a crazy-47-system-influenced Will is after Steven and James...
Daniel: I'm not talking about that! I was talking about the Holovid.! They don't even get HBO in this crappy hospital! As Steven would say by now... "HELL NAH!"
Jake: Heh, good quoting, but what movie are you missing?
Daniel: Ummm, nothing of your concern...
Jake: Uh huh...yeah whatever...and I kissed Brittany...
Daniel: WHAT!!!!!!!
Right at that moment a "nurse" came into the room with some food while Daniel is trying to kill Jake. Daniel looks behind him...
Daniel: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!
Will: Ummm...me? Uhhhh... *starts thinking* Ummm... Willa Beltran! Yeah! Willa Beltran!
Jake: Umm...why haven't we seen you around before?
Will/Duet: Aww, aren't you soo cute! Next thing you know, you'll be asking for my channel! 'Ughhh! I hate this...'
Jake: *blushing* Well, actually...
Will/Duet: Oh, so you want to go out with me instead? 'YUCK!!!'
Jake: *blushing even more* Well...you are cute and all...but--
Will/Duet: REALLY! Am I that cute? 'I feel oh-so-very sick...'
Jake just faints...from the excitement and the sight of "Duet Well..."
Will/Duet: Hmm...oh well...What about you, cutie pie? How are you? You need more BioFoam?
"Shay": Will, that's going a little too far...
Daniel: No, actually, I'm fine...
Will/Duet: *pinches Daniel's cheek* Aww! You're soooooooo cute, you know that? OH! Look at the time...I got to go, cutie! Cya Daniel-047!
Will leaves the room in a hurry and runs right into James and Brittany...
Will/Willa: Oh crap! I mean sorry!
James: Uhh...don't worry about it...
Will/Willa: Awww! You're almost as cute as those two inside the room!
James: *blushing* Uhh, well thanks...you're very cute yourself.... *drool*
Brittany: *closes James's mouth* Excuse my friend...where can I find Daniel Jackson?
Will/Willa: Oh...umm...in this room...
Brittany: Thank you...come on James!
James: *more drool* Ok.......
Will/Willa: Cya cutie!
Brittany and James enter the room just as Daniel throws the food he just received from "Nurse Willa" in the trash can.
James: Why did you throw the food away?
Daniel: There was poison in the food...
Brittany: How?
Daniel: Will...Will came in here, disguised as a nurse...
James: Excuse me...!? *runs out the door*
Daniel: What's with him?
Brittany: I think we ran into Will into the hallway...
Jake: * wakes up* Hey, where's that cute girl?
Daniel: That "cute girl" was Will...in...drag...Will in drag....AHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Jake: Good god! I'm going to be sick!!! *starts puking into his bedpan*
In the room next to them, Ryan, their instructor, is in bed, pounding the wall...
Ryan: SHUT THE HELL UP IN THERE!!!!!!!!!
Laila: RYAN! You need your sleep!
Ryan: But-
Laila: Don't you dare "But!" me! Get back to sleep!
Ryan: Sometimes I wonder why I even like you...
Laila: WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?!
Ryan:...Nothing Honey...
Meanwhile in a dark room...
Will: Damn! It didn't work! DAMN DAMN DAMN!
"Shay": Don't worry about it, Will...I have another plan to kill them...
Will: Awesome
"Shay": OH SHUT UP!
Will: Sorry...
A Whacky Spartan (Part 5)
Date: 16 July 2002, 10:06 pm
Part 5: Daniel and Jake return! An exciting dinner at the mess hall!
February 2, 3002 Military Calendar Epsilon Eridani System
*** A week after the hospital incident, Daniel and Jake were released. Brittany came by in that dinky pink Warthog of hers to pick them up and take them back to the Spartan Complex, when they got to the front doors of the complex, however...
Daniel: *looks at Jake* You open to door.
Jake: *looks back at Daniel* No, you open the door.
Daniel: Oh no, Jake, I insist you open the door.
Jake: Oh Daniel, I couldn't possibly open the door...
Brittany: *annoyed at the two of them* OH PLEASE! *opens the door*
All three of them look in the living area to make sure Will wasn't around. They stop talking, but they don't hear the normally talkative Will chatting away.
Daniel: Is it safe?
Jake: I'm not sure...
Brittany: Oh please! Will isn't anywhere in here!
Meanwhile, upstairs, Will is sitting in a dark corner, looking down at the group and having a mental conversation with "Shay"...
Will: They're home...
"Shay": Now we can start Operation: Kill Drop Squad 1179!
Will: *stomach growls* Uh...can we do that after I eat?
"Shay": *smacks Will upside the head* We're starting it today! Not tomorrow, TODAY!
Will: I knew that.... but I haven't restored my nutrients in 4 days*rubs the back of his head* "Shay": that is your problem...
Back downstairs where two drugged SPARTAN III's and an exasperated Brittany-672 are at...
Daniel: Where are Steven and James?
Jake: Maybe...it got them...
Daniel: It probably did...
Jake: It probably got hungry and ate their dead bodies...
Daniel: That is, after it ate all the food in the house...
Brittany: *starting to turn slightly green* Who is this it?
Jake: It has a long dred...
Daniel: It has bluish eyes...and...
Jake: ...it's name is Will Belchik...
Brittany: * thinks* Why did I even ask?
Just then, our favorite blonde sniper comes in from being in the sun all afternoon to greet his fellow teammates and the former 'SPARTAN of the Year'...
James: Hi guys! What's up?
Jake and Daniel: ZOMBIE! *hug each other in fear*
James: Huh?
Brittany: They're still high off of the hospital pain retardation.
Daniel: *looks at Brittany* So...it didn't get James?
Brittany: *sighs* No, Daniel, Will didn't get him or Steven...
Daniel: Are you sure? He looks all pale and dead to me...
James: I'M NOT DEAD! And besides, I'm sunburned!!!
Jake: This coming from a dead guy that thinks he's not dead because he can move a little...
James: Ehh??
Brittany: *sighs* Just ignore them...so, how has Will been?
Daniel and Jake: DO NOT CALL IT BY IT'S NAME!
Brittany: *annoyed* For crying outloud! SHUT THE HELL UP!
James: *also annoyed* Uhh...Will's been acting kinda normal lately. He's been eating, hyper, and still looks at his favorite porn vids every now and then, but I haven't seen him around today.
Jake: Because he's waiting for the right time to strike, and when he does, KABOOM! We're all dead!
James: ... oook....
Daniel: *looks at the pretty grandfather's clock and then at Jake* It's Sniper Lounge Time!
Jake: Yay!!
The two run off into the living area with the big holovid, rooting the fight cheer.
Together: Gary-903! Gary-903! Gary-903! Gary-903!
Brittany and James: *sweatdrop and faint anime style* ...
Soon enough, it's dinner time, and all of the SPARTAN III's are at the table.
Daniel: Why do I have to sit next to it?
Will: *in a monotone Daniel-ish voice* I'm not an it...
Daniel: Ok...the thing...
Will: *in the same tone* I'm not a thing, either...
Jake: Then what the hell do we call you, it?
Will: *same tone once more* Either Will or Zero Thirteen...
Daniel: We'll think about it, it.
Will: *same tone but more pissed* MY NAME IS WILL...NOT IT...WILL...*starts to calm down*
Daniel and Jake: *sweatdrop* Uh...ok it...
Will jumps over the table and starts kicking the crap out of both of them...
Will: I have to go to the "restroom"...I'll be back to finish the job...
Everyone: Ok...
Will leaves the room to go to the "restroom". From under the table, two seriously beaten up, un-armored SPARTANS manage to groan...
Daniel: Is it gone?
Jake: I think it is gone...
In the "restroom", Will was having a little...'conversation' with "Shay"...
Will: I can't do it, Shay!
"Shay": Of COURSE you can, Will! You MUST! It's simple
Steven passes by that "restroom" at the same time and hears Will...
Steven: What the hell, Belchik? It's not that hard to take a shit...just do it!
Will: *inside the bathroom, still talking to "Shay"* It's too hard...can't I do it later?
Steven: *confused* Uh...Belchik, I suppose you could do it later. And how hard is it for you to take a shit? You sit, and that's it!
Will: What the hell are you talking about, Steven?
Steven: *sweatdrops* Nevermind, Belchik...that 47 System messed you up more than we previously thought...*walks away*
Will: *sighs* He's gone, now...what were we talking about, Shay? Oh yeah!
At that moment, James knocks on the door...
James: Will? Are you ok? Could you hurry up? I really need to go!
Will: *inside the bathroom* But Shay! I just can't do it! He's my friend!
James: *eyes widen* .... What?
Will: He's my best friend! I just CAN'T do it to him!
James: *pales, then turns a little green...* Nevermind, I'll use another restroom....*walks off*
Will: Eh? What the hell is James and Steven-209's problem? Oh no...they think I'm talking to...GROSS! *pukes*
Meanwhile, back at the dinner table...
Steven: Did you hear Belchik, Price? He's messed up. He can't take a shit!
James: I don't think that's all that's wrong with him...
Steven: Eh? You DID hear him, right?
James: Yeah...I wish I hadn't, though.
Brittany: What in the world are you two talking about?
Daniel: See! I told you! He's going to kill us all!
Jake: Yeah! Kaboom! We're all dead!
Brittany: *whacks Jake and Daniel with a rolling pin* Stop THAT! Will is NOT going to kill you! Do you understand?
Daniel: That's what he WANTS you to think..
Jake: Then, when we're sleeping safely in our cots...KABOOM!
Steven: What the hell did they give you guys in that hospital?
Daniel: This clear stuff in a syringe...
Jake: And they poked us in the ass with the syringe, then...we became all mental and stuff...
Brittany: Something like a hallcinogen, Steven...
Steven: Wonderful, they gave 047 and 048 crack. Now we have THREE high SPARTAN III's!!!!
Everyone else: ...
Will comes back from this exciting trip to the restroom.
Will: *normal, happy self* Hi guys! I'm back!
Daniel and Jake: AHHHH! IT! *dive under the table*
Will: ...What's their problem?
Everyone: YOU!
Will: Me? What did *I* do?
Everyone explains to Will everything that he did while high on the 47 System. Will, of course doesn't believe it at all.
Will: I wanted Brittany? Please! I'm engaged to Kasan-711! And I beat the shit out of the ish out of James himself?
Brittany: Yep, believe it or not.
Will: Pfft...no way in Hell. Daniel, come on out here and punch me in the gut!
Daniel: *sticks his head out from under the table* No! You'll hurt me! *dives head back under the table...*
Everyone else: ...
Steven: That's it...JACKSON-047! JACKSON-048! Both of you are pathetic civilians!
The named SPARTANs stick their heads out from under the table...
Jake: What?
Daniel: You...
Jake: Called..
Daniel: Us...
Together: CIVIES!? Now you die!
Both of them beat the crap out of Steven. When they finished, they decided to watch a tape of Gary Snipiér. Steven was lying on the ground, bloody and bruised. Will smirked at the sight.
Will: *thinking* That takes care of Steven. Now all I have left to get rid of is James, and then Brittany-chan is MINE!
"Shay": Yes, Will. Excellent plan...now, let's get to work on Operation: Kill James...
A Whacky Spartan (Part 6)
Date: 16 July 2002, 10:06 pm
Part 6: Is it finally over?
February 3, 3002 Military Calendar Epsilon Eridani System
*** 0402 - Daniel and Jake decide to play some Xbox XXV.
Jake: *inserting an Elder Scrolls 31 constuct* I am evil!
Daniel: *beheading Jake's character* And I am So Good!
Will: *sticks his head into the hallway* And I'm going to kick both of your asses if you don't shut up!
Daniel and Jake rush under a table.
Daniel: Bro, what should we do?
Jake: How the hell should I know?!?!
*******
0420 - Daniel Decides to wake Will up!
Daniel: Rise and shine! Time to wake up!
Will: *looks at the clock then tells Daniel in a monotone voice* Get the hell off of me...
Daniel: But, Will!
Will: Leave me the hell alone before I blow your head off! *gets out a gun*
Daniel: Oooh! Is it real?
Will shoots at the ceiling.
*******
0500 - Daniel goes up to a camera which Jake is holding.
Daniel: It's 0500! Do you know where your children are?
Brittany: *goes out the door of the room* Yes, outside playing games while people are trying to sleep!
Daniel: Oh...
*******
0510 - Daniel and Jake are outside on the roof howling at the moons.
Daniel: AWWWOOOOO!!!!
Jake: AWWWOOOOOO!!!!
Out of nowhere, two combat boots come flying out and hit Daniel and Jake...
Will: How am I suppose to think of ways to kill James when they're outside howling?!?!
*******
0600 - James and Will decide to get up and eat breakfast.
Will: *under his breath* Must kill James...
James: What did you say, Will?
Of course, Will hears something else...
"James": You know Brittany's mine!
After hearing that, Will grabs James by the collar of his shirt.
Will: You'll never have BRITTANY!
James: What are you talking about, Will? Why would I like BRITTANY?
Will, of course, doesn't exactly hear what poor James said.
"James": Come on, Will! Like Brittany would like someone like you!
Will: DIE!! *starts beating up poor James*
Just then, the light goes out and clicks back on to show two SPARTAN II's (The Old) dressed in old MJOLNIR suits.
Daniel: Let him go, you evil bastard!
Will: Huh?
Daniel: I am John-117! Or...
Jake: *whispers to 'John-117'*
Daniel: Oh yeah! *Grumbles inaudibly*
Jake: And so will I, Samuel-- what was his number?
Will: Let me guess...
Jake: How did he know?!?!
Daniel: Who cares!
Will: Hehehe! Cya suckers!
James: *lying on the floor* Ouch!
The next day, Brittany decided that they should check up on Steven and James in the hospital.
Daniel: But Brittany! I don't want to go to the hospital! It's evil!
Brittany: DANIEL JACKSON! You will go to the hospital whether you like it or not!
Daniel: But, Brittany!
Brittany: Master Chief Petty Officer, it is your mission to go to the hospital!
Daniel: *in a trance* yes Ma'am! *end trance* Damnit!
Brittany: I thought that would work!
So, after a hard time trying to get the boys to go to the hospital with her, they finally made it there. While walking down the halls, Daniel and Jake claim that they had to go to the restroom. While trying to find the restroom, they found the room where the medicine was kept.
Daniel: Hey Jake....
Jake: What?
Daniel: Isn't that the stuff they gave to us in those syringes?
Jake: Yeah! *looks at Daniel*
Daniel: *looks at Jake* You thinking what I'm thinking?
Jake: Maybe...
Both fill a syringe up with the hallucinogen and pull their pants down.
Daniel: On the count of three! One, two, THREE! *both Jake and Daniel poke their asses with the hallucinogen-filled syringes.*
Together: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
A nurse passes by the door...
Nurse: Uh...must be those gay doctors...
Inside the room Daniel pulls out the syringe and looks at Jake...
Daniel: Ouch...
Jake: I think we used too much...
Daniel: No we didn't! We can still walk can't we?
Jake: Good point...
Both walk out of the room, then start happily running down the halls. Meanwhile, Brittany-672 had finally found the room. She opened the door what she saw shocked her. Five women were by James treating him like a god of some sort...
Brittany: Uh...do I have the right room?
Steven: Yes, weak onna...
James: Oh hi, Brittany!
James: When will this nightmare be over?
Steven: The Grunt only knows...
Brittany: Why don't you sit down, Daniel?
Daniel: Uh...sit down?
Jake: What do you mean...
Brittany: If you're going to be in here, why don't you sit down?
Daniel: Uh... *takes a seat after awhile, Daniel cries out in pain* OUCH!!!! MY ASS HURTS! ICE! NEED ICE!
Brittany: Daniel! Are you ok?
Jake: Uh...I'll pass on taking a seat...
Just then, Will walked into the room. He looked around and saw Jake, Daniel, Brittany, Steven, and of course the person he was suppose to kill, James.
Daniel: Whaa...What are you doing here?!?!
Will: I live with you guys, don't I?!
Will: *looks at everyone in the room* So what's up?
Daniel: Now's our chance, Jake! Ready?
Will: You guys are really pathetic!
Steven: Belchik, what do you want?
Will: Hmm...nothing...much.
Brittany: If you want me, you're going to have to go through my Danny-047!
Daniel: Eh? Your "Danny-047?" I hate DANNY!
Will: Ok...Daniel...there's a bunch of that clear stuff in those syringes in the hallway!
Daniel: REALLY?!?!?!
Will: Yep...
Daniel: COME ON, JAKE! *grabs Jake*
Will: Idiot! So who's gonna save you now?
Brittany: Uh...that's ok, because I love James!
James: HUH?!?!?! NO! She's lying!
Will: Uh huh!
James: She is!
Brittany: *grabs poor James and starts kissing him* Oh, I just love my James-510!
Will: Ok! That's it! *takes out a gun* Give her up, James!
James: YOU CAN HAVE HER!!!
Steven: Hehehe! Price you are weak!
James: I am not! Brittany! Get off of me!
Brittany: But I love my little James-510!
Girl 4: Get off of my James-510!
Brittany: Ok! Geez!
Will: *grabs Brittany* Brittany, I want to be with you forever! Now that Daniel and all the others are out of the way, I want you to marry me!
Brittany: *slaps Will* I would never marry an idiot like you! I love Daniel!
Will: I gave you a chance to answer me, now I'm gonna make you marry me!*grabs Brittany and runs off*
Steven: I thought marriages were disallowed in all SPARTAN III units?
James: Eh? No... and Daniel and/or Jake will eventually snap out of it and run after Will and Brittany...
Meanwhile, in the hallway Daniel and Jake are causing havoc. While doing this they run into Will and Brittany.
Daniel: Hello...my name is Jake-048...
Brittany: My poor Daniel!
Jake: I am Daniel-047. Now you die, Brittany-672!
Brittany: Poor Jake!
Will: Get the hell out of my way!
Jake: No one is allowed to take Brittany without my permission!
Brittany: If only I could hear that from my real Daniel-047! *smacks Will again* Let go of me you idiot!
Will: I love you too, Brittany! Now out of my way! *runs past Daniel and Jake*
Daniel: Maybe we should save her, Daniel.
Jake: Maybe...*both run after Will and Brittany*
After a few hours, Daniel and Jake finally found Will and Brittany.
Daniel: Wait a minute, Jake...
Jake: How did we get here?
Daniel: I don't remember...
Jake: Me either...
Brittany: WHAT ARE YOU TWO WAITING FOR?!?!?! SAVE ME!!!!!
Daniel: BRITTANY!
Jake: Are you just going to scream out her name or are you going to save her?
Daniel: Good point...*takes out his M97 6 Gauge Shotgun and follows Will and Brittany*
Daniel followed them to a large office building. It was dark inside the building, and Daniel couldn't see a thing in front of him. Daniel looked around then saw something that looked like Will's dred.
Daniel: *thinking* I told him he should have cut those dreds off...he is past the regulation 16cm...
Daniel ran through the building looking for them he finally ran into an office with a leather chair turned towards the window.
Someone: So nice to see you made it, Daniel.
Daniel: What do you really want, Will?
Someone: Will...hmmm...sorry, that person isn't here anymore...
Daniel: Huh? What are you, who are you, and what do you want?
Someone: I'm not Will, I'll tell you that.
Daniel: Quit messing with me and tell me who you are!
Someone: So the hallucinogen wore off...too bad.*the chair swirls around to face Daniel* My name is Shay. My objective is to destroy the St. Giambi colony for what they did to me. I used Brittany to get you here to ask if you'll help me. If you refuse, I'll make you help me. *looks at Brittany, who is tied up and gagged* I must say, Daniel-047, you have a way of fighting in guerrilla warfare like no other SPARTAN, since John-117 on I-004 in 2552...
Daniel: *ignoring the last part he said* Shay, eh? How are you going to make me?
Shay: I'm not saying...
Daniel: Well guess what? I'm not helping you one damn bit. So you can just go to hell...
Shay: Aww...would you please reconsider?
Daniel: *picks up his M6D* Nope...
Shay: You wouldn't shoot a fellow Heavy Weapons Specialist, now would you?
Daniel: Let's find out...*shoots Will in the arm* That was for the first one! *Will's body falls backward in the chair* This one is for the second one!*shoots Will in the leg* This is for Jake! *shoots him in the other arm* This one is for James and Steven! *shoots him in the other leg* Oh yeah! This one is for Brittany! *about to shoot him again*
Will: *screaming out in pain* NO! DON'T KILL ME!!!!!
Daniel: Maybe I should...*picks the gun up again* Ready?
Shay: *takes over Will's consciousness* Go on!
Will: *comes back* HEY! Don't listen to him! You're not really going to kill me, are you?
Daniel: Yes...
Will: Man! You really are crazy!!!
Daniel: Not as crazy as you are...
Brittany: Daniel!!! Don't do it!
Shay: *takes over once more and pulls out a gun* Looks like we're both going to kill each other, Daniel.
Daniel: Oh well...*shoots the gun, but nothing comes out* There...I killed Shay, or should I say the 47 System... *collapses*
Shay: This can't happen!
Will: AWWW! Shit! This hurts! Get the hell outta my head! *Shay disappears*
Brittany: Are you ok, Daniel? Daniel: Yeah, I'm just fine...
Brittany: Aww! Daniel-047!
Will: Daniel! You son of a bitch you! You shoot me...not once, not twice...but FOUR TIMES!!!!!
Daniel: I can count, unlike you, Will...
Brittany: Are you back to normal, Will?
Will: Yeah, yeah...I got that son of a bitch outta my head... You know what?
Daniel: What?
Will: I can go for a nice Gruntmeat Omelett!
Brittany and Daniel: WILL!!!!
Will: What? ^_^
A few hours later, Will joins Steven and James in the same room at the hospital, in a full body treatment. (You can still see Will's dred though!)
Steven: *looks over to see his new roommate* AHHHHHHHH! Get that thing out of here!
Will: I'm a...*checks himself* GUY!
Steven: Yep, it's the same idiot we call Belchik...
Will: No, you call me Belchik. Everyone else calls me Will!
Steven: Whatever, Belchik!
Will: *looks over at James* So, James is hitting on girls already?
James: *trying to get the girls away from him* But I really need to sleep, girls!
James: *broad out of his mind* Could you please get out of the room then?
Steven: Price is weak!
Will: Steven is an idiot, but no one is complaining!
Steven: WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS DAMN BED, BELCHIK!
Will: You mind Steven? I'm trying to sleep!
Meanwhile, outside the room...
Brittany: Daniel...
Daniel: Hmm?
Brittany: Do you really love me?
Daniel looks into Brittany's eyes and he smiles.
Daniel: Yes, Brittany...
Brittany: Same to you to, Daniel...*kiss*
Will: You guys mind?!?!? People are trying to sleep!!!!
Steven: SHUT UP, BELCHIK!!!
James: We shouldn't be fighting!!!
Daniel and Brittany: *shake their heads* SHUT UP!!!!
3 months later
Suddenly Jake appears next to Daniel.
Jake: So he asked?
Daniel: Yeah...
Jake: What if he does loose it again?
Daniel: Promise me one thing Jake...
Jake: Hmm?
Daniel: If he even looks at me during the wedding you will shoot him...
Jake: Ok...
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